goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
