it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
zippers are such a cool invention
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
