my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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