Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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