dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
