taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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