News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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