i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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