Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize