Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
