we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
