I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
