So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
