Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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