i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
