omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
