Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i think i just lost a toe
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