my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
