He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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