i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
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I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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