Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
