I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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