This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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