I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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