rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
