Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
