She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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