I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
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I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
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They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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