She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
