I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
