I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
