I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
