so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
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Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
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My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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