So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
