You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
