I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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