so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
