I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
