I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
