The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
