I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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