I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
it's like iHOP with fire
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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