I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
