My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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