I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I just googled if crying burns calories
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
