wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
