The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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