Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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