She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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