If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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