if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
