I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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