after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
