I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
wow bdsm is so cute
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
