dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
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