I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
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We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
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I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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